What I Never Knew I Always Needed
by Xavier Mason
Summary: Edward Masen has been dating Mike for almost four years trying to make it work. Just because it's been four years it means it'll last right? eventual SLASH, eventual LEMONS, 18 EXJ
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the plot.**

 **All flaws are my own.**

 **Character names and concepts belong to SM, but thanks for letting me play around with them.**

 **Chapter 1**

 **EPOV**

Ding.

Mike's name appeared on my phone again for the eighth time today, no doubt asking me again what I was up to. The phone blinking on my passenger seat made me somewhat uncomfortable for reasons I didn't quite understand. We had been dating for the past three, almost four years. I ignored it and kept my eyes on the road. The small red car I drove now was nothing special but got me from A to B.

Mike hated it.

My hand firmly gripped the base of the wheel as I kept my mind occupied with anything other than driving or Mike. The radio helped to distract me as it played some top forty hit that I hadn't heard before. The sun shone through the front window, bright and unrelenting, glinting off the frost on the hood.

I pulled off the road slightly as I neared the trails.

Today was my first day off work in a few days, school was starting soon and I just felt like I needed a break. It made me laugh a little, the thought of a break. I had just had a break; three weeks off of school for winter holidays and somehow I was still tired. University was starting again in a week and if I was being honest I wasn't quite ready. I had been pulling forty hour work weeks at the chalet lately; a break from the thirty hour work weeks with an added full university course load. I was stubborn and adamant on graduating debt free.

I pulled into a small parking lot in the middle of a shadowed forest, I was one of three cars parked here. The snow crunched beneath my simple black sneakers as I slowly climbed out of the car. A chill ran down my spine. It was fairly cold out for just having a hoodie and a pair of jeans on, but honestly I couldn't care less. The trails here twisted and winded for miles around, sprawling out in all directions. There was a peacefulness in it. The idea of not trying to think of where to go but just letting the paths take you somewhere was nice today. The air stung my cheeks turning them a bright pink as I walked through the forest, absentmindedly getting lost in my thoughts and on the trail.

It was odd having a break from the ski hill today. If I was being honest I kind of missed it, the way the powder felt under my board, the kids I taught lessons to, my friends I worked with, all of it. I had been lucky enough to pick up a job teaching snowboarding to the kids at a local ski resort outside Seattle this year. It made the debt of school go away in a more painless fashion than working elsewhere, plus the perks were phenomenal; free membership and invites to VIP nights at the hill. Snowboarding was such a release for me, the hill felt like a second home no matter where I was. I supplemented my hours at the ski resort by bartending at the chalet at night, to be honest I enjoyed bartending.

Ding.

My ninth text from Mike today. I starred at the phone that broke my day-dreaming. His name in bold print across the front. I debated answering it, or even just looking at it, while I stood in the middle of the trail. The snow crunched under my now very cold toes as I shifted back and forth. My cheeks burned from the cold now. I decided then that warmth for my feet and face was the priority, because what good was a snowboarder with no feet?

I loved Mike.

I love Mike.

I really do.

I do.

I pushed the thoughts from my mind as I kicked an ice chunk in front of me all the way down the path and back to the car, only looking up to realize I was the last car there and that the sun was getting low in the sky. I unlocked my car door and crawled into the drivers seat, turning the key in the ignition and letting the car rumble to life. The heaters blasted cool air, trying to catch up to the temperature I set them at.

I threw the car in reverse and backed out, heading back home in the most casual of ways. The way home was easy, I had driven it so often that every tree and pot hole was beyond familiar to me. I know people like to think they could do things blind folded, but this I was sure I could. The treeline blurred as I now pressed harder on the gas. I loved to speed, it was a terrible habit.

The driveway to my place came faster than I had expected. I was renting a one bedroom basement apartment in my sister Rosalie's place. She had moved to Seattle when I was relatively young, maybe only thirteen. She was my rock, I don't know how I would be able to survive without her. And the fact that she cooked a lot for me while I was here in school didn't hurt either.

I got out of the car and quickly made my way to the door, unlocking it and letting myself in.

Ding.

Number ten. I honestly did love him.

I kicked my sneakers off and walked into the living room, tossing my phone on the side table while curling up on the couch. The basement was more open than most basement appartments I had seen. The windows were large and let in a lot of natural light. The ceilings were high and made living here comfortable.

I drop of water fell unto my nose and distracted me from my thoughts. My tousled bronze hair was damp. I looked outside and only now noticed that it was snowing out.

Why was I so out of it?

I debated skipping dinner tonight, I just wasn't feeling it. Or at least that's what I would tell Rose.

Ding.

Eleven?

I finally gave in to looking at the phone. The missed messages could be summed up by, how are you, where are you, whats going on, where are you, i love you, i love you, where are you, i love you. Every text had an I love you in it. Why did that make me feel guilty? I loved him right? This was how things were supposed to work out. Long term relationships were supposed to just work out right? I mean we had done this since right after high school and it was fine. But this..? Why does this feel different now? Why do I feel guilty? I love him. I do.

I repeated it to myself over and over, willing the guilt to go away every time I repeated it.

It only got worse.

I dropped the phone to the floor and rolled over on the couch facing the back, propping my head up on a pillow. The couch was warm, comfortable, and safe even. I loved how comfortable it was. I starred at the plaid pattern on the back. Sure it was a little "northern" inspired but it matched my personality.

Ding.

I ignored this one too. Mike and I had been together for almost four years. His family adored me and mine him. It was both of our first real relationships. We had both moved from Forks, WA not a year after we started dating to live in a bigger city; Port Angeles. Some could almost say I followed him, and it took some time but I eventually really loved the new city life. Two years later he moved to Los Angeles and I moved to Seattle. Both of us for different schools. I went to study cell and molecular biology and he went to pursue a degree in film and photo. We saw each other as often as we could but flights aren't cheap and both of us are kept rather busy.

I was okay with it though. And still am. Gaining my independence back wasn't a bad thing.

My stomach growled as my brain ached. I needed to figure this all out. I needed to figure out what this meant. I needed food. I needed sleep.

The couch became increasingly comfortable as my eyelids fought to stay open.

Mike. Couch. Sleep. Food.

Couch. Sleep. Food.

Couch. Sleep

Sleep.

I awoke on the couch groggy and a little confused. Why hadn't I just moved to the bed? My stomach growled.

I got up and quickly blew through my morning routine. I decided on a black v-neck t-shirt, dark denim jeans, and a leather chord bracelet for today. My hair naturally fell in a disarray that I judged as okay for the day. I was heading back to the hill today to teach a few lessons to some local kids. I had built a relationship with them over the past couple weeks and would be sad to see them go in the spring, we always had a blast and I was always impressed by them.

I tossed my snowboarding gear into a bag and grabbed my boots and board, hauling them to the car.

I tossed them in and went back inside to say bye to Rose, crossing the snow-covered lawn in about ten steps.

I knock, louder than I should've, on Rose's door.

"Rose! I'm leaving!"

She opened the door, looking immaculate for this early in the morning. Her blonde hair fell down over her shoulders to one side and her blue eyes were perfectly outlined by eyeliner that could have not been more precisely drawn. Her blue denim jeans hugged her legs as did her white tank top to her torso. I still had no idea why she chose to be a mechanic when she could have easily had a successful modeling career.

"Hey, well can you take something with you so you don't starve?" Her tone was concerning.

"Sure, sure." I rolled my eyes but knew she was right.

She handed me a brown bag, already prepped and ready, and sent me on my way. I would go there tonight I thought, maybe have a talk with her. She always had the best advice.

I walked back to my car breakfast, egg white and vegetable burrito, in one hand and lunch in a bag in the other. Rose always had the best cooking, I could never keep up with it.

The road was fairly clear today as I took my usual commute. The sky was overcast and sun barely shone through. I liked these days on the hills, they made it easier to see. There wasn't a reflection of light off the snow, it sure made the terrain park easier.

The drive today was quicker than usual, no thanks to my led foot, and I was there in no time. I found a parking spot in the employee parking quickly and hauled my gear bag out of the car along with my board. Emmett, a good friend who taught skiing, was doing the same.

"Hey Masen!" He yelled from across the parking lot; Emmett always used my last name.

"Hey Emmett!" I waved back. Emmett was one of my closest friends here at the chalet. He had been here with me since day one when I started, helping me get used to everything and introducing me to everyone. He was the only one who I could really talk to here.

He ran over with a big smile on his face, his ski-gear bouncing on his back. "Hey Mase, how was your day off?"

"It was good, I didn't do too much." I could hear how boring my response was but couldn't help it. I was stressing out over Mike, even if I was thrilled to be back at the hill.

"You sure dude?" Emmett sounded concerned, I guess I was being a little too obvious something was bothering me.

I put on a smile as we walked into the chalet and said, "Yea for sure!"

"Alright Mas." Emmett's voice trailed off.. he wasn't satisfied with my answer.

I liked Emmett's nickname for me. I had never been the biggest fan of the name Edward but this was different, I just liked that he was so comfortable with me.

Emmett was one of the first people at the chalet to find out that I was gay. Being a straight guy dating one of the hottest girls I had ever seen I thought he would be too uncomfortable to talk to me. But Emmett really surprised me, becoming one of my best friends here in no time at all.

He broke me out of my day-dreaming,

"See you on the hill!" he was already a few feet away and with a wink he was gone.

I sat down at a bench inside the chalet and started to get ready for my lesson. Today we were working on carving. The kids had already mastered heels and toes, and could turn well so I thought I mind as well crank it up and teach them how to carve down the hill.

Just as I was finishing putting my boots on one of the kids walked up to me. He was one of the kids struggling in the classes; his name was Simon.

"Hey Eddy." he was acting shy today, not unusual.

"Hey buddy, what's up?" He sat down next to me on the bench as I finished tying my laces.

"I don't know if I'll be any good today... I can't even turn that well..." He looked a little defeated.

"Hey, know what? If you don't have it by the end of our lesson I'll stay after for a bit and we'll work on it till you can turn better than me. How's that sound?" I smiled my most encouraging smile.

"Okay Eddy, thanks" his face lit up as he bounced off the bench and took off outside.

I got up and slid my jacket on, heading out to the hill myself. I was about to push the door open when a sign caught my attention. It was taped onto the back of the door and read,

"SKI HILL CLOSED NEXT WEEKEND FOR OLYMPIC TRIAL RUNS - - SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE."

Huh. I wondered if I would be bartending that night. I usually worked most private night events.

Ding.

I cringed and ignored it.

I pushed the door open and made my way to the beginner hill to meet my kids for their lesson. My brain ran circles around this entire situation but I really wanted to forget it. The air wasn't as cold as yesterday. My jacket was almost too warm. The sun wasn't really here today.

Perfect.

Distractions.

The day went by fairly easily. The kids picked up everything I taught them and Simon even figured out the rhythm in turning. I high-fived all the kids in my class and congratulated them, giving Simon a small pep talk as we walked back to the chalet. After the free-snowboard-time part of the lesson I decided to wait for Emmett. The chalet was clearing out when I got in so I stripped off my snowboarding gear and grabbed a table by the window, watching the skiers race down the hill getting their last runs of the day in.

Ding.

Ding.

I hadn't checked my phone all day. I took it from my pocket and read the names on the screen.

Mike. Mike. Mike. Emmett. Mike. Mike.

5 new messages from Mike. My stomach churned slightly.

I opened Emmett's first.

 **Hey buddy, you're back at the hill today right?**

He must have sent that before I got here. I didn't bother to look at Mike's messages, not now anyways.

"Hey Mase!"

I looked up to see Emmett standing in front of me holding out a sports drink which I grabbed gratefully.

"Hey" I said, trying to sound cheerful.

"What's got you so tense today? You aren't yourself." His brow furrowed as he spoke.

"It's no big deal Em, how were your lessons today?" I made a sad attempt to derail that conversation but could tell Emmett knew exactly what I was doing. For my sake I think, he gave up and went on to answer my boring question.

"It was good man, business as usual. Took the kids down a tougher run today. Did you hear about that Olympic trial run?" He sounded excited.

"Yea, but I think I'm bartending that night actually." I hadn't even thought to check my schedule.

"No way! There's some big talent heading up this way man, I volunteered to help with the event during the day. And you know what that means right?" He smirked as he said it.

I laughed out loud and in unison cheered, "Free drinks!"

We burst out in laughter again.

Whenever there was a VIP event the staff that helped out during the day went unpaid but were allowed a pretty generous tab at the bar in the chalet that night, food, drinks, anything all covered so they could be apart of the evening events. Emmett loved working those events the nights I bartended because of my... ahem... heavy pour.

"You got it Mase! I'll be there that night with ya so it'll be a good day, I'm gettin excited for it." His eyes lit up as he talked.

We laughed and carried on conversation talking about the kids we taught, going back to school, and our holidays. Emmett was in pre-health, it was nice to have him at the university of Seattle with me. He vacationed back to Vancouver with his parents this winter break as well; going up for a week to their second home in Whistler, British Columbia. I drooled as he talked about the mountains and fresh powder. Not to mention his parents unbelievable house they owned there. Emmett's parents were very well off. They were both in medical fields and encouraged Emmett into the same. Saying they would only help him with tuition if he passed with excellent marks; not that that was a problem for Emmett. He was always secretly smarter than he led on.

Sooner or later the conversation turned to the subject of relationships. I asked him as many things as I could about his girlfriend Kate, a gorgeous blonde girl that all the girls were jealous of. I wanted to avoid talking about my relationship as much as possible, because there was nothing to discuss. It was good.

I loved Mike.

I love Mike.

Sure.

"Mase you're ignoring my question."

"What? Did I?" I had been zoned out and hadn't even heard what it was.

"How're things with Mike?" Emmett seemed genuinely curious.

"They're fine." I retorted.

"Fine? Mase are you kidding? I know you too well to know that when something is fine it's the furthest thing from fine. What's up with you two?"

"It's nothing Em, seriously..." I trailed off and turned my head to stare out the windows. The sky was almost black as little specs of snow fell from the sky. The ski hill was now being re-groomed and the bright lights on the hill lit it up.

Thankfully Emmett dropped the conversation and went back to the Olympic event. It was interesting enough, at one point he even got me excited. It turned out I would actually be meeting some of my favorite snowboarders out there. They would all be here.

We walked out to the parking lot together, some of the last to leave and said good byes. I would see Emmett again the next day when we came back in to teach.

The drive home was uneventful, I turned the radio on and belted out a few good songs, vowing only to do that alone. I could only image the teasing that would happen with Emmett in the car.

Home arrived sooner than I thought, and as I walked in the door I was suddenly aware of how exhausted I was. I hadn't slept that well the night before but was ready to pass out now.

I walked to my room and stripped my clothes off, crawling into bed in my underwear and an old t shirt.

I checked my phone again, realizing I hadn't sent Mike a text in two days.

His now eight messages all sounded concerned, and nagging, and loving, and irritating.

I did love Mike; afterall it had been four years. That means we'll just work it out right?

I replied with a quick response about how work had been busy, how I was doing fine, and how I loved him.

With that I put the phone down and rolled over.

Why did it feel like I had just lied?

Sleep didn't come easy. It was unwilling and teasing. My stomach tossed and turned almost as much as I did.

I dreamed of nothing as I drifted off that night.

 **A/N: Let me know if you enjoyed! Thank you for taking your time to read what I've written, it means the world to me.**

 **Sincerely** **-X**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the plot.**

 **All flaws are my own.**

 **The boys belong to SM but I like to play with them.**

 **Chapter 2**

 **EPOV**

I awoke to the sound of my alarm, inches from my head.

I was not ready to tackle this day today. I sat up and pulled my legs up to my chest, breathing out a sigh. My hair fell in a messy array as I combed my fingers back through it. My cheeks were still heated from the dream that I had had. It was a stranger, just saying hi, looking at me with those fierce blue eyes. I could feel my face heat up in a blush and my heart trip up on its rhythm.

It wasn't Mike.

Ring.

This time it was a phone call. I debated answering it for two rings but gave up on the third and picked up.

"Hey." My voice sounded groggy, even to me.

"Hey cutie, whatcha up to?" Mike's voice played off as cheerful. The guy never had a bad day and never really cared to notice mine. More preferring to distract me, or more likely himself, from them.

"I just woke up Mike… What's up?" I couldn't hide the irritation in my voice, not that I tried. He hadn't done a thing but call and I was already on the offensive.

"Just wanted to talk to you and see how you were. You've been off lately." He sounded legitimately concerned.

"Yea, I'm fine. How's LA?"

Without a second thought he emerged into a full ten minute explanation of how he was shooting new projects for film class and how he'd run into a new and up and coming director in a Starbucks downtown. He was completely sated with my response of fine; and I was perfectly okay with him not noticing. It was easier to play fine than to explain what was really wrong.

I mean how could I tell him the truth? What was the truth anyways?

It didn't take much to keep the conversation going other than a few "yeah", "cool", or "mhm"'s.

"Well Ed, how's that job you're doing? Honestly I don't know why you bother, you could be doing more important things than that." He sounded entitled, even if he didn't mean it that way.

"Well I really like it."

"That's great but I think there's more useful places your time could go." Entitled. "Ah, you know what Ed, I gotta go, and I'm late for a shoot. Have a great day! Love you!" He sounded cheery again.

"Sure, bye Mike." Click.

Should I have felt guilty for not saying I love you back? I didn't. It was a phase I was sure.

I tossed my phone onto my unmade bed and got ready for another day on the hill. Showering, getting dressed, and eating a bowl of cereal all in under twenty minutes. While brushing my teeth I half smiled at my new record. It was definitely the fastest I'd moved all week.

Week.

What day was it? I checked my phone and realized it was Wednesday. Hmm, midweek. I grabbed my things from around the apartment and brought them back out to the car. The air today was a little warmer than yesterday, I'd definitely be boarding in my sweater today. I looked up to see another overcast; I was actually okay with this typical Seattle weather.

"Hey, Ed! Did you have breakfast yet?" Rose was half out the door, once again looking more flawless than anyone probably could have at seven in the morning.

I cracked a smile, "Yes Rose. You wouldn't have happened to have leftovers or a lunch would you?" I wasn't the biggest fan of the deep fried food at the chalet and Rose's cooking was great.

"I thought you'd never ask." With a wink she was turned around heading back inside.

I leaned up against the little red car and pulled out my phone, more out of habit I'm sure than actual need.

Mike. Mike. Jake. Emmett.

All the texts were from last night, apparently I fell asleep before getting any of these. Mike's texts said something about having an early night, Emmett's was about a funny movie he had watched. I smiled as he quoted it. Jake. I hadn't heard from him in a while, he was a friend I had out in LA that had moved out there from Forks before Mike had. His was more interesting.

 **Hey Edward! Miss ya buddy! I'm at Fubar, Mike is here pretty drunk aha where are you bro!?**

Huh. Fubar was a gay bar in West Hollywood in LA that I had been to with Mike once on one of my visits down there. When we went I wasn't a fan. Strangers grabbed on both of us in a drunken haze, trying to get us to dance with them. I shook my head, trying not to think about it. Trying not to think that Mike was supposed to be having an early night.

I put the phone back in my pocket as Rose was back at the door with some leftovers. I ran over to the door and grabbed them gratefully from her. She kissed me on the forehead and told me to stop by later, again and again, until I smiled and agreed. I loved time with Rose, albeit there wasn't enough that I could spend with her but whatever time we did have together was great.

I jumped into the car, already a little early but decided it would give me more time on the hill. The drive today was fairly uneventful, even though it was anything but quiet. My head hurt already though from the scenarios I played back in my head. Over and over. Mike was having an early night. Mike was out hammered at a gay bar. Huh. I turned up the radio and tried to sing-a-long to whatever was playing, after all it was better than being stuck in my own head right now.

I focused on the road and the lyrics on the radio, anything to not think.

When I pulled up to the chalet I noticed Emmett's car already in the lot. He never showed up early. I parked in the open space beside him and hoped out, eager to find out why he was already here. The snow crunched beneath my shoes as I grabbed the gear from my car and hiked up to the chalet, never really taking my eyes off the ground or my feet.

There was fresh powder on the hills today, my favourite to board in. I opened the chalet doors and head up to get changed.

The chalet was empty now as it was still earlier than usual but the morning staff puttered around, their boots clunking on the wooden floors. The chalet was really nice, most likely one of the higher end ones in the area, it had a distinct log cabin feel.

Once my gear was all on and my things put away I opted to head back out.

"SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE, DUE TO ANTICIPATED BAD WEATHER NEXT WEEK THE OLYMPIC TRIAL RUNS HAVE BEEN MOVED TO THIS WEEKEND"

The sign on the back of the chalet door read out loud and clear to me, Edward you have bartending shifts this weekend. I wouldn't mind the cash so I passed the door and headed out to find Emmett.

He had just finished a run as I walked out the door, easily spotting me and gliding over to talk. You could see it on his face, it was lit up like a Christmas Tree.

"Hey Mase! You see the sign? It's happening in 2 days! Friday night buddy!" he was on the edge of exploding.

I let out a laugh and a smile broke onto my face, "Yea I know Em, I'll see you that night, I'm almost positive I'll be bartending." And just as if on cue my phone rang in my pocket.

I picked it up quickly, recognizing the number immediately.

"Hi Kate, yes I would love to bartend Friday night, and Saturday if you need me!" A smile spread across Emmett's face. Kate was the bar manager at the chalet here. She was also Emmett's girlfriend and one of the most beautiful girls I had ever known.

"Oh thank god Ed, how did you know I was calling about that?"

"I saw the signs up this morning, I'm here teaching a lesson this afternoon." I smiled and almost let out a laugh, Emmett was still glowing.

"Perfect, I'll see you Friday night then!"

"Mase, toss me your phone!" Emmett looked almost jittery. With a quick underhand throw the phone was now safely in Emmett's hand.

"Hey babe," Emmett sighed into the phone, "can't wait to see you later. I know, I know. Yup. I know, Friday! It's gunna be awesome. No I love you more." I walked away laughing as they got all lovey dovey on my phone, thinking I should've give them a few minutes of privacy.

I slid my goggles on and prepped the rest of my gear, getting ready to take my first run of the day. Nothing felt better than this. On the hill I could forget about everything, I could just float on my board and feel right at home. It was one of the only things that really felt like home lately.

"Mase!" Emmett broke my sappy train of thought as he hurled the phone in my direction. I have no idea how, but my arm shot up and the phone ended up right in my hand. Even Emmett's mouth fell open a little.

"Bartender reflexes." I said with a smirk.

"Yea, yea Mase, whatever you say." We both laughed and headed towards one of the black diamond runs.

The chairlift was all but empty right now, only the first skiers and boarders of the day were now pouring into the chalet. The lift took us higher and higher as Emmett and I joked about the movie he saw last night. This was so easy. I was beyond happy to have Emmett as a friend. I had never had many guy friends growing up but Emmett was awesome, I doubt there was a bad bone anywhere in that huge guy. He was someone I even grew to look up to.

The lift dropped us at the top of the hill, letting me off to do my bindings up. Emmett made a subtle joke about how I was the slow one, always making him wait. We laughed about it until Emmett got a little more serious, now just looking at the ground as I got up.

"What's up Em? You okay?" I asked concerned.

"Yea buddy… I just…. Are you okay?" He looked up at me and he looked almost sad, like he was sad for me.

"What do you mean?" I was genuinely confused. I didn't know I wasn't okay.

"Well… and don't get mad at me or anything, I'm just trying to be a bro and look out for you here… You uhhh…. haven't really been yourself lately." He didn't try to hide the expression on his face. It was a mix of feeling sorry for me and genuine sadness; to be honest it tugged at my heart a little.

"Yea, no I'm fine." I looked down at my bindings now, perfectly done up.

"Mase, I know fine isn't fine for you. You and Kate have the same idea of fine, and that's not a normal fine…." He trailed off.

How could I tell Emmett about Mike? How I wasn't sure if this was the right thing for me anymore. Emmett really liked Mike, we had both talked about our relationships before but I had never really went into detail. I just didn't know what to do. I was at a loss.

"Mase? You in there?" He broke my train of thought, coaxing me for something, anything.

"I don't know how to put it Em. Maybe later?" I looked at him hopefully, maybe he would just forget this whole thing and let it go.

"Sure, I'll buy you a beer in the chalet after work. You better spill though man. I ain't wasting my beer money for nothing." He grinned a huge smile and I couldn't help but smile along. "First one down buys the second round?" He laughed and started down the hill as I fumbled to my feet in a mad dash to beat him.

The rest of the day flew by. My morning runs with Emmett were productive, I was still working on a few tricks off one of the larger tables and he was nearly done perfecting the rails. The kids I taught in the afternoon were on day two of carving, Simon was actually doing phenomenal by day two and didn't need any help at all. The rest of the kids caught up to him quickly and everyone, including me, enjoyed the free run part of our lesson.

But with the day coming to an end I walked back to the chalet with the kids, deep in thought.

"Hey Eddy, thanks for the lesson today." Simon was right by my side, just as happy as could be pulling me out from my thoughts.

I pulled myself out of selfish Edward mode and kneeled down beside him, "Anytime buddy, you nailed that carving out there today" I ruffled his hat around as he burst into a huge smile.

I honestly loved this job. These kids were great this year, maybe some of the best I'd ever taught.

Simon ran to catch up with the other kids as I brought up the rear, herding everyone into the chalet to find their parents.

Once all the kids had been claimed by a parent I quickly changed and left my things in a staff locker. Usually I would bring them home but today I wasn't in the mood to cart it all back and forth. I loaded it all in and jogged up the stairs to the bar area. I sat down beside Emmett, he had beat me there, already with a basket of onion rings and a pint in front of him.

"Hey Mase, how were the munchkins?" He laughed at his own reference, I laughed along too, more so at him though.

"They were great. Some big wins today for them, everyone is feelin pretty good!" I smiled to myself, thinking of how well some had progressed since I got them.

"Everyone except you…?" Emmett's tone was more serious now, I guess we were diving right into it.

In front of me appeared a beer. Kate had already had it poured and set down with a smile as Emmett finished his last sentence. The bar was fairly empty today as Kate went back to stocking the beer fridge and Emmett continued to stare at me.

"Ya things aren't the best right now… but… maybe one day?" I decided to just let it out slowly but I knew Emmett was not going to stop until we had gotten everything out on the table.

He takes another sip of his beer before putting another onion ring in his mouth, signaling me to continue. All I can do is sit there, I don't know how to start let alone how to continue.

"Mase…" His tone is soft, his eyes eyeing me up gently, like he was trying to not break me. I look up to meet his gaze. "Is this about Mike?" As soon as the words leave him my eyes start to well up. I take a sip of my beer as Kate walks over. It's like it wasn't real until he had said it.

I didn't know I had actually let a few tears fall until Kate was in front of my wiping a few from my eyes, Emmett's hand on my knee trying to support me.

"Hey Mase, it's okay…" Still in the same smoothing tone. I sniffle a little as one more tear falls out. "Hey..." Emmett is still there, soothing me as I wipe away one last tear. I look around carefully and realize the bar is empty, just the three of us alone. I take another sip of my beer and stare straight ahead as my mid runs wild. I feel so lost.

I don't know what happened, we were fine. Things were okay. We moved, they were still okay. And now they aren't.

"Mase? You've been quiet for a while… Buddy what's wrong? Did something happen with Mike?" I couldn't believe Emmett was still here, still trying.

Ding.

Speak of the devil?

I couldn't look at it. Not after this morning.

"Emmett I'm just really confused…"

He looked down at his beer and downed the last of it, pushing his food to the side. "Mase, you're coming over tonight for a guy's night. Movies, a few beer, you can sleep on the couch if you want?"

I nod my head and we pay our tabs, heading out together to the staff parking area. We walked there in silence, a comfortable silence.

"I'll meet you at my place?" He smiled in my direction.

"Sure." I tried my best small smile.

Getting in my car I start the engine and pull out my phone while the car warms up. It's Mike again and the message makes my stomach churn.

 **Hey babe, slow day, miss you!**

I don't believe any of it, and I don't know if that's only because that's what I want.

The drive back to Emmett's place goes by quickly as I can't even think straight. Everything is a blur until I get to his driveway.

I get out of the car and let myself into Emmett's house. He greets me at the door with a beer and a smile. This has been such a long day, but honestly being at Emmett's feels nice.

"Wanna come have a seat?" Emmett gestures to a couch in his living room.

"Thanks Em." I pull out the best smile I can put on and join Emmett on the couch. He has a sports game on playing softly in the background.

"Mase, I don't know exactly what you're going through. But I want you to know before you say anything I'll be here to help you out with whatever it is you need. I'm your bro, I got your back. Whatever it is okay? Hell we can even watch the damn Notebook and drink wine! Whatever you need man." He's dead serious.

I laugh a little. I don't really have words, but Emmett is one of my best friends. I need to just say something; anything, I owe him that.

"Thanks Em." I take a sip from the beer Emmett had handed me. "Should I just lay it out there? Is that cool? Do bros do that?" I honestly had no idea.

"Yea Mase." He was leaning towards me now, intent on whatever I had to say.

I thought hard to myself, trying to come up with words that were easy enough to say out loud. "Before I say anything Em just know… I haven't told anyone… And I just need you to stay open minded." I combed my fingers through my hair while looking down at the floor. I was nervous, I felt like I was on display for everyone to see. I looked up to see Emmett nod.

"Okay. I don't know how I feel about Mike anymore." I can barely get the words out. I've never said it out loud before.

"I know Mase."

"You know?" I don't understand how he knows.

"Yea." He nods and looks at the floor. "You have a decision to make right?"

I haven't even explained it to him and he's already giving me advice.

"Em… there's been no anything anymore. I can't even explain it. I am so tired. He lied to me the other day… He said he was going to bed early, but instead I heard from a friend he was out drunk at a gay bar… I just don't feel it anymore and I feel so guilty. It's been three and a half years Em. How can I just walk away from that…?" I bury my head into my hands, letting my fingers weave back into my hair.

"I know it sucks. But you've been so out of it lately. You've been down and everyone has kinda noticed. You're letting this eat you up."

I look up from my hands, now just letting my head fall back against the back of the couch.

Ding.

"Want me to take a look?" Emmett stretched his hand out. I pass him the phone almost reluctantly and he reads the screen. "Mase I think you need to make a choice." He passes me the phone.

I look down at the screen, " **Edward, why haven't you texted me?"**

My fingers are placed at the screen but don't actually type any words.

I stare at it.

"Take as much time as you need" Emmett leans back and takes another swig from the bottle.

I stare at the screen some more.

" **Mike… Can I call you later tonight? We need to talk."**

My heart is beating like crazy in my chest. I can't do this can I?

I clear my mind, or at least try to. Take a breath, and hit send.

 **A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Edward is in a tough pickle right now but hopefully he'll manage. Thanks again for reading, I appreciate all the comments so far :)**

 **-X**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the plot.**

 **All flaws are my own.**

 **The boys belong to SM but I like to play with them.**

" **Mike… Can I call you later tonight? We need to talk."**

My heart is beating like crazy in my chest. I can't do this can I?

I clear my mind, or at least try to. Take a breath, and hit send.

 **Chapter 3**

 **EPOV**

Ding.

I almost automatically get a response, and to be honest it's more or less what I expect.

 **Call me now, what's wrong?**

I knew I would get that, and even that makes me cringe. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel so sick to my stomach. I stand up, not sure what to do as Emmett looks over.

"I think I have to go home Em." My hands are already up and over my head, tangled in my hair. My beer is safely on the side table and I'm not sure how it happened.

"For sure, if you need anything let me know okay…?" Emmett looks somewhat concerned.

I nod and simply walk over to the door, putting my shoes on and scrambling for my keys. I need to get out of here. I can't even focus. Somehow as if on autopilot my shoes are tied, I'm in the car and driving home.

The night sky was clear as I drove home, my headlights reflecting light off the snow on the road. Pine trees stood tall and encroached the road. I could barely make coherent thoughts. I had never ended anything before. I had always been the dumped one, not the other way around. I couldn't wrap my head around why I was the one hurting. The driveway came quickly and as soon as I came to a stop I turned off the engine, taking a deep breath and just sat still. I could feel the cold seeping into the car as the heat escaped from all around me. I pulled out my phone and stared at it. Was tonight the night that I'd be doing this? I could just go to sleep now right?

Ding.

A chill ran across my arms and chest and I shivered. Was it really that cold?

 **Edward, tell me what's going on? Is it bad? Am I in trouble haha**

I almost wanted to laugh. I didn't know how to handle any of this. My heart was pounding in my chest again. I got out and dragged myself to the door, turning the key in the lock. A welcomed warmth came across my face as I opened my door.

Everything was familiar. The door opened to a front entrance, which led down a set of stairs to my apartment. As I walked down the stairs and turned on the lights the open concept living room and kitchen with an exposed brick wall were on the left, the bathroom was up and to the right and the bedroom was at the other side of the room down another hallway. Nothing had changed. My life was right where I left it.

I took off my shoes at the bottom of the stairs and walked over to the couch and flopped down. My phone sat in my lap and stared at me as a soft light from across the room caressed my face. I stared back, not really sure of what to do. Was it best to get this over with?

I picked up the phone off my lap and dialed his number.

Mike.

It started to ring. Once. Twice.

I almost wished he wouldn't pick up. Three times. Please don't pick up.

"Hello?" His voiced sounded calm, collected, and even cheery. These were the last minutes that we'd be in a relationship. My stomach twisted and my hand that wasn't on my phone shifted to my tousled hair.

"H-Hi Mike." My voice unintentionally cracked as soon as I spoke.

"Hey cutie, what's going on? You're making me nervous." He laughed, a hint of anxiety in his voice.

Now that it was happening, it was here, I didn't know what to say. I turned silent for a minute, maybe two. I wasn't quite sure. I flashed back at all the times we had together. Three, almost four, years is a long time. I couldn't think of it as throwing something away though, I had to try and think of it as what I would be gaining. It's not even that I wanted a new relationship, I just knew that this one wasn't working and it wasn't fair to keep him in a half-ass relationship and it wasn't fair to continue on in this relationship without being fully into it. For either side. Our first date flashed into my mind, our second. Our first Christmas together, meeting his parents. Everything seemed to flash at once and I couldn't pin point where I stopped being myself and became this other person Emmett had described.

"Ed, whats going on?" His voice brought me back to our conversation, I still had the phone pressed tightly to my ear.

"I… I just think…" I couldn't seem to get it out. Maybe I should just forget it and hang up. Maybe this would get better? Maybe I could just suck it up. Mike seemed happy? Maybe that was fair. Maybe this was what love was. Was there a chance that this was it?

"Ed, you're freaking me out, I have to go. I have a…. uh… project to go get done tonight. Just spit it out." He was in a rush to get me off the phone.

"Mike." I was trying to mentally prepare myself to say it, working up any and all courage I had in my system.

"Yes Edward? What? I gotta go." He had barely given me more than three minutes on the phone.

"Mike, I'm just going to say this as it is. I don't want to talk about it, I just need to say this then you can go." I took in a deep breath, trying to focus the words. "We need to break up Mike." Everything went silent. I didn't breathe and either did he.

"Ed… No… I want you, I want to be with you." He paused, maybe waiting for a response. "I don't know why you're doing this, just sleep on it you're just moody. I just want you." He sounded calm and collected as he spoke. There wasn't a sadness that I would've expected, no anger, just calm and cool.

"We're done Mike, I can't do this with you anymore. Bye Mike." I didn't even wait for a reply before I ended the call.

I didn't realize I was standing until I moved myself to lie back on the couch. I didn't even know how to think. I texted Emmett and told him that simply Mike and I were done, thanked him for the beer and the advice and told him I'd see him tomorrow.

I put the phone on the floor beside my couch and closed my eyes.

I tried to go over what I had just done, what I'd given up, what I'd gained. I knew what I had said to Mike wasn't fair. I had rushed to the point with no explanation, no time for him to defend himself or even ask a question. I hadn't given him more than a handful of words. I felt relief wash over me though, enough to cover the guilt I felt for now for how I had ended things.

The door to my apartment flung open, causing me to jump right off the couch.

"Mase? I'm coming in bro." Emmett's voice rang down the stairs, followed by the sound of his footsteps. "Mase why are you on the floor?" Emmett was genuinely concerned. In his hands was a DVD I couldn't make out, three boxes of candy, and a case of beer.

I pulled myself off the floor and sat back on the couch. Emmett walked over and sat down beside me, laying all the things he had brought down at my feet.

"There. I think this will help." He smiled, a smirk spreading onto his face.

Emmett was honestly the best guy friend I've ever had. I was pretty sure guys didn't do this for each other. Emmett had always been cool with me being gay and it showed even more now, I didn't understand why he'd do this. Maybe Kate? Regardless it was nice of Emmett to try. Without thinking I laughed out loud.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing Em, what movie did you bring?" I smiled quietly to myself.

He put the DVD into the player and the movie shot up onto the screen of my TV. It was my favourite movie, The Dark Knight, the second Batman movie. Emmett had a wicked memory, I think I had only mentioned this movie once or twice. It was almost a full three hours long and it was somehow already eleven at night. I guess Emmett was staying over?

The movie hardly registered in my head as Emmett and I drank through the entire case of beer, laughing and talking the entire time. None of the candy he had brought even stood a chance; I was a candy fiend which Emmett most likely also knew. The movie ended and as it did I swear I was seeing double.

"Shit! We have to be up in the morning, it already 3:30am!" Emmett was looking around almost panicked.

I let out a laugh before I responded, "I know Em, I'll clean this stuff up, grab you a blanket for the couch and we can pass out in like ten minutes." That seemed to help him justify this a little.

We cleaned up quickly, I stumbled a little and bumped into a few things on the way but seemed to get everything into its place.

"Thank you again buddy." I looked over at Emmett wrapping himself in a blanket on the couch and shot him a wink.

"Anytime ma-." He yawned before he could even finish his sentence. "The trials start Friday… I better get a good sleep." Emmett rolled over and was out almost instantly.

I stumbled blissfully back to my bed, stripping off my jeans and flopping down onto the mattress. I closed my eyes and without even trying and fell right into a dream.

I opened my eyes and felt as if I'd barely closed them and my body ached from the slight hangover that I was experiencing. I rolled over and sat up on the bed, feeling my head now throb, and got up to shower. I stripped and left my clothes near the side of the tub and set the water hotter than usual. I climbed in and let out a sigh as the water ran over my back, caressing my muscles and soothing the tension out.

I finished up quicker than I wanted but knew I needed to get back to the hill. Tomorrow was the start of the trial races for the Olympic athletes. I knew Emmett was excited for it but I had no idea why. It was just runs right? I quickly threw some clothes on and went to check on Emmett he'd be pissed if I didn't wake him up.

When I came out into the living room he was nowhere to be found. The space actually looked a lot cleaner than I expected and the blanket he had used last night was folded and laid on the back of the couch. I grabbed my things, shot Emmett a text, and headed out the door, skipping breakfast altogether; to be honest my stomach wasn't feeling it anyways.

Arriving at the hill today provided some relief, the comforts were all there, the tightening of my boots in the chalet, the squeaking the stairs made as I made my way out to the hill, and the buzz of the chairlift as I rod it to my first run.

Today was normal. Better than normal even. I didn't check my phone for Mike nor did he even bother to text me. I focused on the hill, the jumps, and the slopes that I knew so well. The day went by fast and before I knew it I was already done my lessons with the kids and heading back in to the chalet.

"Mase!" Emmett was running behind me with skis in tow. I smiled and stopped waiting for him to catch up, he must've just finished a run.

"What's up Em?" I could tell he was trying to catch his breath.

"You're on the bar tomorrow right?" He eyed me closely.

"Yea?" I half chuckled, confused as to why he was asking.

"Good, I'm bringing the athletes to drink after and a bro needs a wing man."

"Em, your girl is great, why would you need a wing man?" I was kind of shocked that he was even considering something like this, let alone trying to get me to help.

"No, no, no Mase. For you. You need the wing man and I'll be there to help." He winked and started walking back to the chalet again.

I awoke in my bed rested and content. Last night I had stayed for one drink with Em and came straight home to bed, exhausted. We talked about the bar and how I'd be beating guys off with a stick, how I'd be so casual and smooth. Was I even ready for that though?

I jumped out of bed laughing at myself. I buzzed through my morning routine and threw on some casual clothes to bartend tonight; dark jeans, a leather bracelet, and a slim black t shirt. The morning went by quick, I had made myself breakfast and drove to the hill slowly, pulling up just before noon. No doubt things would already be in full swing. I jumped out of the car and walked to the chalet, mentally prepping myself for how much fruit cutting I'd have to do behind the bar today.

The chalet looked much cleaner today, everything polished and clean, not a single thing out of place. I walked up to the second floor bar and met Kate, already making herself busy in the bar area.

"Hey Kate!" Her hair was a stunning blonde meeting her mid back, a tight black tank top hugging her slight frame. I swear she would've been a model had she not chosen to stay here.

"Hey Mase" She whipped around and shot me a smile. "Wanna help with the beer fridge, I have a bunch of kegs to move around."

We got to work, working flawlessly around each other getting the bar ready and by the time we had gotten everything done it was already creeping up to dinner time. People slowly started making their way off the hill and into the bar, filling it up gradually. The hill was allocated to the athletes this weekend so many of the snowboarders I had already met or known. Our hill typically held these types of events or qualifiers. Most of them came in pairs as they walked into the bar, coming in for the first night party.

By around seven thirty the bar was packed and I was curious as to where Em was, I had gotten the eyes from one boarder, he had stuck around the bar all night but I was too shy to really say anything. Where was Emmett when you needed him? I mean he wanted me to try but wasn't here to help. Did I even want to try at this point? It had been two days realistically.

As if like a moment from a movie Emmett walked in next, his laugh echoing through the bar. It was infectious and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. I peeked over at Kate pouring a beer for another guest and she too was smiling to herself.

"Mase!" Emmett yelled out across the bar and I smiled in his direction, starting to pour his regular beer for him. I through a coaster down on the bar top and placed his beer on top.

He made his way over and grabbed his beer winking at me as he nodded his head to his left. I took his que and looked slightly to his left as my mouth, I'm sure of it, dropped open a little. This guy behind him was tall and muscular, I wasn't even sure how I hadn't noticed him at this point. The white t shirt he wore stretched a bit across his chest as he moved and you could see his arms muscled slightly out of the arms. He wasn't overdone just toned and fit. His blonde hair was longer on the top and shaved on the sides, one of the classic guy hair styles but somehow he pulled it off better than anyone I'd seen, all topped off with ocean blue eyes. Emmett noticed me and laughed breaking me from my staring. He winked again and mouthed "wing man" and I smiled.

"Mase, can you grab my friend a beer?" I could tell he was holding back a laugh.

I tossed a coaster on the bar and tried to come up with something to say but all that came out was, "What can I grab you?" Shy, quiet, not like me.

He smiled at me, of course with beautiful white sparkling teeth, and asked for one of the craft beers we had on tap, my favourite one actually. He and Emmett started a tab and turned to face the on-going first day party that had begun.

Emmett's friend had walked back into the crowd as Emmett walked back to the bar, smiling at me knowing exactly what I was thinking. At this point I was hoping it wasn't written all over my face.

"Buy me a shot and I'll tell you about him." He laughed as he said it.

I poured Emmett the shot of Jack Daniels that he typically drank and slid it across the bar for him.

"Spill" I said, eyeing him down.

 **A/N: Ed is maybe getting back into it? Let me know what you think :)**

 **-X**


End file.
